It has been 6 weeks since Finley came into this world. In a lot of ways it feels like she has been part of our family forever. In other ways it feels like it was just yesterday that I was down on all fours in the midst of labor. After Finley was born I wasn’t sure I was even going to write a birth story. It seemed too raw, too personal and too real to share. I had grand plans of making a video (we took some over the shoulder footage of Finley’s birth) and talk about all the details of our home birth. After it happened though, I just wasn’t sure.
When Rowan was born I felt like super women. Like no matter what life threw at me from then on, I could knock it out of the park because I had given birth to her. In the weeks leading up to Finley’s birth, I held on to that strength. I wasn’t scared. I remembered Rowan’s labor being hard, but I remember feeling strong throughout and digging deep to find strength to get through. As I starting getting closer to my due date with Finley my courage starting slipping. My due date came and went and fear starting creeping in. Going past your due date is a very emotionally tiring thing for most women, at least for me it is. I was tired, anxious and loosing confidence that I wouldn’t be able get through having a home birth. I don’t know why I let it get the best of me. I knew I was stronger than that. Labor is a funny thing though. It really is one of the most life changing moments you experience and you have absolutely no control over when it’s going to happen. Yes, you have a ballpark but being a ticking time bomb really does a number on your mental state.
I am not going to go into all the details of her birth but here’s the quick little story… It was Saturday the 5th. I wasn’t feeling all that well. Kev drew me a bath and then he left to go sledding with Rowan to give me some peace and quiet. I started having some really randomly spaced contractions. Some were a few mins apart, some were 15 mins or more apart. Didn’t think too much about it. About 45mins later- Bam! Contractions were 2 mins apart and consistently 2 mins apart. I called Kev and told him to come home. Home he came. We called our Midwife at 2:30pm. She arrived by 3pm. Contractions were pretty much a minute or less apart. They were right on top of each other, I hardly could get a break. It was extremely intense and I think that is what caught me off guard. I had no time to even gather some strength or dig deep inside. I honestly felt like I was just barely getting by. I cried. I screamed. I wanted to give up. The fact that she wasn’t tucking her chin down and that I had a full bladder left me in some pretty intense pain on top of the contractions. I didn’t even make it upstairs to our bedroom where I thought she would be born. 2.5 hours after it all started, little Miss Finley James was born in our family room as Rowan took a nap upstairs.
She was healthy, beautiful and our home birth was more than I ever expected it to be, but I was left feeling really defeated after all was said and done. I hate to admit that out loud, it makes me cry even thinking about it. Her birth really was amazing and I wouldn’t want to change any of it, but for a few weeks I struggled with this feeling of embarassment over how I thought I handled it mentally. I felt like I only got through it because well, there is no stopping a baby once they decided to make their entrance. Then one day as I was holding her, staring at this mini version of myself, it hit me… A wave of emotion came over me and I finally felt proud. In that moment with the sun shining in, cuddling my sweet baby girl, I felt invincible. Who cares how I think I handled it. You are always your worst critic, right? Finley was a part of me. She will always be half me, half Kev. I slowly created her with my heart, soul and body for nine whole months. Psalm 139:13 says “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made…” And here I was stuck on the fact that I thought I did a bad job bringing her into this world. She was absolutely perfect and nothing about how she came into this world could change that.
I was able to have a 9lbs 8oz. baby girl at home, with no drugs, in 2.5 hours and for that I have decided I deserve a jump high five and a piece of chocolate.
p.s. I think any way you end up having a baby deserves a jump high five!!
p.p.s Having a home birth was so dang awesome! Nothing about me feeling defeated had anything to do with being at home. If anything it made me feel more relaxed, more comfortable and more in charge of what was going on. Let me just say there is no better feeling than going through labor and then being able to get into your very own bed, in your very own pjs and have your mom bring you a home cooked meal and then falling asleep cuddled next to your new little one and your husband. If we are blessed to have any more kids, each and every one of them (Lord willing) will be born at home.
& the picture of all of us the morning after her birth cracks me up. Talk about bed head!
This is such an amazing story. Jen, you give me so much encouragement and inspiration. What a beautiful experience for you and Kev. Your honest is always so refreshing. When my husband and I are blessed with our first child, I will definitely be reflecting on the strong and empowered women like you to help get me through. Thank you.
I also had a very fast labor (3 hours total) and it really is INTENSE. Those contractions?! Lord have mercy and they’re especially tough when you’re not getting any breaks. My midwife said it’s essentially like having a pitocin induced labor. Congrats to you and your little one! Such a sweet story! xo
Thank you for sharing this Jen, such a beautiful moment. I love that you’re always so honest and raw. You’re telling it like it is and exactly how you felt… You look so beautiful and natural and not at all like someone who has just given birth. Go on, treat yourself to two pieces of chocolate, i think you’ve earnt it!
You have such a beautiful way with words and I always appreciate how open and honest you are. These photos are beautiful too! You deserve a million high fives and chocolates, lady!
This is really weird and off-putting. Who is even taking these photos? Why do you need to post a bunch of awkwardly personal photos of you in labor along with this story? It’s bizarre and attention-seeking. Can’t be bothered to follow your blog anymore; this is just the latest and most offensive in a string of strange and ill-advised birth-related photos. Goodbye.
Amazing job, mama! When you have a really quick birth, people always say they wish that they had a quick birth and that it must have been easy since it was fast.. when in fact, it’s usually quite the opposite- all the hard work done in half the time! Your body doesn’t even give you time to adjust to being in labor. I say keep the high fives and chocolate coming!
Thanks so much for sharing this incredible story with us! It makes me weep!!! I had a baby 6 months ago and I wish his birth were something like that, but It couldn’t be for us…
I’m so proud of you! You have the most beautiful family ever.
This is a story that you will always cherish. Take good care of these amazing little girls.
Kisses from Buenos Aires 🙂
Amazing!! Major Jump high fives! Pictures are beautiful, real and filled with SO much love! You are such a strong, amazing lady – and heck if you can’t cry and scream a little while your giving birth then when can you? Thanks for sharing Jen, adore you!! XO
Jen! I love you and your little family. I am so happy you were able to have a home birth. A quick one, even! Maybe we over did it on our raspberry leaf tea, huh?
I can’t wait to meet Finley and to congratulate y’all in person!
Thank you for sharing such an intimate amazing moment in your lives!! Both of your girls are lucky to have such a strong mom.
xo Jennifer
http://seekingstyleblog.wordpress.com
Jen! This is an absolutely beautiful story! And the pictures make my heart full. Things don’t always go as expected with labor & delivery, which ends up making them all the more special 🙂 well done mama! Thank you for sharing your story with us! XO
1- please ignore Meg above! In fact delete her comment and don’t think twice about it!!!! You share your life and pictures as you choose and you inspire and encourage so many women!!!
2- Jen! You made me cry:) I said on FB I was excited to read this, but I didn’t realize how emotional it would make me:) Yes some of it is preggo emotions, but the truth is you hit the core of my past feelings. I have had 2 natural births in a row, both insanely intense (2hrs and 1.5hrs). I cried and screamed and swore :s and was actually embarrassed I couldn’t handle the pain the way I wanted to or thought I could. But you are so right!!!! We birthed little amazing beings!!! Part of us. We should both be so proud of ourselves!!! THANK YOU!!! You have taken some of my fear for this next baby’s birth away! Honestly thank you so so much! XO
You are definitely way to hard yourself. It sounds like your re freakin superwoman to me!
Bettina
http://www.littleoldsouls.com
I KNOW I am going to be freaking out when I go into labour! Don’t think that you acted poorly or weakly. Instead, think about how brave you were during Rowan’s labour when you had no idea what was going to happen! I think being calm and collected through any labour is abnormal!
Thank you for sharing this very personal story! Love it! Also where are those pj’s from because they are amazing!
Jen, I’m sorry I commented so bitchily on this post. I’m in a horrible mood and for some reason this post was the last straw and I took it out on you. It was pretty awful of me. I should have kept it to myself; it was unwarranted and immature. Still un-following you, but I do want to apologize for being a douchebag.
Fantastic job Mama! And thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for taking the time to share your beautiful and very personal journey of labor and birth. Brought tears to my eyes. Bless you and your gorgeous family. 🙂
I am crying! I loved reading this!! Love all the photos! I am almost 29 weeks into my first pregnancy and definitely have some fears about labor. I really wanted to have a home birth but have decided with my first to have it at the hospital, completely natural with my midwife. I love reading home birth stories though, it encourages me!! God bless your little family!!
you are a truly amazing woman and an inspiration! thank you so much for sharing. congrats to you and your beautiful family!!
I present to you the highest of fives! You go, mama!
This brought me to tears, Jen. So, so beautifully written. I think it’s wonderful that you could share this with us.
i love this.
+++
both of my home births were similar. VERY fast. i have since learned that with precipitous labor comes a little shock. and a long bit of soaking it in to make up for how quickly it happens. the never getting a chance to catch your breath or get a grip on things is so intense and for a long time i was disappointed in how i reacted to that during labor.
+++
you are amazing! and there really is nothing like climbing into your own bed with your fresh little bundle and new family. it’s the best. thing. ever.
congrats! and thank you for sharing your sweet story.
love, lindsay
Keep doing what you’re doing Jen =D I thought this story was amazing. That’s the reason why I love blogs- they enable us all to tell our story, when before, if we wanted to read someone else’s life story, they’d have to write a book that probably went through very heavy editing. Your family is lucky to have you and I hope I can be as brave as you, if I’m ever blessed with children.
First off you are awesome! You are so right that any way you have a baby is amazing, but I respect women who can go without meds because I thought I could do it and wasn’t brave enough to even try. What a beautiful experience to have your baby in your home. I know for me home is where I feel safe and to not have to experience all of the tubes and restraints of a hospital sounds so nice. I am proud of you and from a long time reader who is commenting for the first time I just wanted to say your little family is just beautiful.
so. freakin. amazing. jen you deserve so many high fives!!! i just can’t help but think how happy you’ll be later in life that you did it this way, and have also documented the journey. you are an incredible woman, wife, and mother. thanks so much for sharing this precious story with us 🙂
Thanks for this!!! I’m 2 weeks from being due with my third child, a girl, and i’m going CRAZY mentally. I’ve had my other 2 natural, and plan on this one too, but I’m way more scared and anxious than I’ve ever been. But thanks for this post, i know I can do it, I know I HAVE to do it:)
Ignore Meg. You’re amazing. Thank you for sharing. If she’s going to unfollow, she didn’t need to follow up. Just needed to wipe her conscience to try to make herself feel better for being rude and negative but the reality is, she’s insecure and jealous that she is incapable of sharing real, raw emotion like you. Don’t give her another moment’s thought. It’s her loss. We love you and your family. Congrats!!
jen, having given birth naturally in a hospital i am so jealous and amazed at your story. having only done it once, it seems to me that every birth has parts that the mother “likes” and “wishes to do over” but, as you state it’s about the now, it’s about your baby being here and you living your life with your family. i hope i get to do it again and you have inspired me to pursue the home birth option if i have the opportunity. god bless you and stay strong!
Major high fives!! I remember feeling very similarly after my second was born. Labor was so different and longer than my first daughter, and I constantly second guessed if I was even in labor. But when all is said and done any way you bring that baby out into the world is phenomenal.
I can’t believe you were beating yourself up, it sounds like you did awesome!!! I caved and got an epidural with my needed pitocin hospital birth, and it is sooooooo hard to let go of that embarrassment and guilt. Birth is the most intense physical and emotional thing I have ever been through, but I can’t wait to do it again someday. Such a weird thing.
What a beautiful story, thanks for sharing! Finley is adorable! Mind sharing where your bedroom side tables are from?
I had my baby girl in August, second child, but first natural birth. First birth was extremely slowed down with an epidural, a nap in the middle, easy going, manageable birth. This birth was so fast! I was managing contractions well at home and then all of the sudden had to rush to the hospital (not a home birth planned) and I had her within 45 minutes there, while my midwife ran into the room from the parking lot, slipping on gloves, and assisted the catch with me. I had a wave of emotion afterwards because my mind had NO time to catch up during the birth then it all hit me. I probably talked about it 10x in a row to remember everything and for my brain to actually catalogue each event. I asked my husband, doula, and midwife the same questions a few times to get the birth story complete. I’m very proud of myself but it took awhile for my head to unfog. Congrats on your home birth and beautiful baby.
You are so very brave. I’m inspired by your courage!!
Yay—I love your story. And isn’t it funny how we are so hard on ourselves and then later gain perspective, but can so easily go and do it again over other things…Something about being a woman I think! 🙂 You did awesome!!!!!
God bless you precious momma!
Cheese and crackers, Jen. 2,5 hours?? Man, I can’t imagine the chaos and intensity. I’m due in 8 weeks and I’m getting mentally ready for the birth. I’m so glad you decided to write and post this story, I was really hoping for it. Love the photos also and I love that you didn’t try to look all photo-shop-y. Life is sometimes raw and emotional and it’s just as beautiful as the rest. Loved this post, thank you.
Congrats and thank you for sharing! I think it is so great to be able to have a home birth. It is not something I have been able to do. Those photos are precious. I really love that wall decal behind your bed.
Bonnie Rose | The Compass Rose
You know, I always thought I wanted a hospital birth for my peace of mind in case I needed access to drugs or something went wrong. But you made me realise that I probably would like a home birth much better ( I love my home comforts). Do they advise you not to if it’s your first?
love me a good birth story, and this was just beautiful. lovely pics too. i had to scroll back up to look at the bed head hair..haa!!
Jen,
Giving birth, whether at home or in a hospital, is always something to be proud of. Goodness, you created life, grew her, protected her, and brought her safely into this world. You deserve a double high-five!! Thank you for sharing your story, home births can be intimidating and scary for many, so it’s wonderful to hear a positive story. And ironically, I just met your midwife last week in one of my nursing classes and she is amazing and so inspirational. It’s really got me thinking about midwifery when I finish my RN!!
Take Care,
brenna
This is SO beautiful! I had my first child, through a home birth on 9/7/12. It was soo empowering. I labored for 52 hours (!!!!) and the pain of the contractions completely caught me off guard! I had expected the delivery to be the super painful part. I sort of felt the same way you’re describing feeling. I felt like such a ‘baby’ for the way I handled the pain of the contractions. But you know what? I don’t feel bad anymore. It’s such a huge, life changing moment. It’s a big deal, and look at that beautiful healthy girl you brought into the world in 2.5 hours! Amazing! You are a superwoman. No doubt.
I think it is beautiful and generous of you to share your experience. Natural childbirth can be very primal, and you were thrown directly into transitional labor- that is brutal! You delivered a fairly huge baby at home- no drugs-. Details or not you did a fantastic job, you needn’t doubt any part of that.
Thank you so much for sharing this! It makes me soooo excited for my home birth in August. Had a traumatizing experience with my son’s birth so I am ready to redeem that. Ha. So beautiful. You did amazing. 2 hours of intense labor deserves a high five and a chest bump. You go girl.
A piece of chocolate? You deserve a factory’s worth! This is an incredible story. You achieved an incredible thing and I hope you feel increasingly proud and happy as time progresses.
Thanks for sharing Jen! However you get the baby out.. Be it silently or screaming.. She’s here and she’s healthy. That’s all that matters. I gave birth 3 weeks ago and I think no matter how you did it, you deserve praise. Congrats again!!
Jen you deserve wayyyy more than just one piece of chocolate 😉 Thanks for sharing your birth story here. I have been letting fear creep in with my birth plans and this has really made me feel empowered!
brought me to tears! so touching. and I completely agree. I have definitely felt that feeling of what you think is defeat during giving birth. may just be me, but I think those moments when you think you’re losing.your.sh*t. are sometimes what you should try not to remember the most 🙂 ‘job’ well done! 🙂
Thanks so much for sharing Jen! I love that you are willing to share honest stories with us — the good and the bad. And hey, you got a baby into this world! You’re superwoman in my book.
Thank you so much for sharing, Jen! My son’s birth was a drug free hospital birth and while I feel very good about the birth and felt so empowered by, it I hold on to this little piece of guilt/shame/frustration for handling it so “poorly”. I took a hypnobabies class and felt so prepared, but when it came time to actually do it my sense of control was gone. I had back labor and the pain just took me by surprise. There was crying, screaming, and just an overall lack of control. Now as I prepare for my second birth in a few months I find myself saying that I am “going to rock it”. That I am going to be in control and it is going to be calm and just handled better overall. Your story is a good reminder that I am no more in control of this upcoming labor than I was last time, and that every birth story is a story of love, beauty and joy. No matter how out of control it might feel. So again, thank you. And congratulations on your sweet addition!
Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you felt chaotic, but the pictures seem so calm to me. The thought of going through labor freaks me out, but I think it’s because I usually see hospitals and tubes and monitors, and these things have always given me the heebie-jeebies. The picture of your husband cutting the umbilical cord is the most calming, peaceful one because it looks so normal and simple. So thanks for sharing your story, because for me it gave me hope. You did an amazing job! You totally rocked it!
Beautiful. I can only imagine what was going through Rowans head when she woke up from her nap and there was a baby there.
Thank you for sharing Jen! What an incredible and beautiful moment! So happy for you and your family. Your home birth looked so peaceful and so purposeful. How empowering your story is! Personal struggles and triumphs and all. All beautiful. All intended. All so very blessed.
Thanks for sharing this story! I was disappointed in myself after my first birth for similar reasons. I had my duaghter naturally in a hospital and I could not handle the pain. I spent most of my time yelling and crying and trying to find an “out”, wanting it to be over. I just couldn’t dig deep and wrap my head around it. In the end, after 2 days of labor my perfectly healthy daughter was born without drugs, and still I felt disappointed in myself. Looking back I see how CRAZY that is and it took me a long time to get over feeling like I had “failed” somehow. Birth, any way it happens, deserves a pat on the back and a box of chocolate. My second birth went much more smoothly and after having kids for 8 years (they are 6 and 8) I have learned there are all kinds of ways you can feel you’re failing at parenthood. Birth was just the first one. In the end, I just have to do my best, realize I’m not perfect, the kids aren’t perfect and our story is perfect just because it’s ours.
Not gonna lie, I totally teared up reading this and looking at the pictures. I’m having a home birth this time around too (second pregnancy) and am so dang excited! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and I think you definitely deserve that high five and chocolate too!
Thanks for sharing and for the encouraging scripture! Our second little boy is due in a few months and I’m also planning another unmedicated birth…it’s always good to hear the encouragement of other women. You’re really tempting me to try a home birth, too!{www.sarahkeller.com}
Congratulations, Finley is beautiful. I second what both Brenna and Sarah S. said. You are amazing and having a baby, whether at home or in the hospital, your first or fourth, is a truly beautiful thing. I remember the birth of my first as clearly as the one hour labor and delivery of my fourth. My oldest will be 17 in two weeks — wow — so many steps along this journey for all of us, and so many more to come. There are many paths. Take good care of you and your darling family.
Little Miss Rowan could not be sweeter — what a doll! I sent the last comment too soon.
Your story made me so emotional and I’m not even pregnant 🙂 Beautiful…x
thanks for sharing this. i am definitely high fiving you through the interwebs.
2.5 hours? heck yeah you deserve a high five!! my first i had an epidural and loved. my second, (almost a year ago) i had him natural, but not by my choice, really. (moved to scotland, they don’t give epi’s much) ANYONE who gives birth naturally is amazing! i hated it really, but i am super impressed and proud to say that i did it!!!
Thank you for sharing your story and how you felt afterward. That verse was really helpful for me. My son is 19 months old, and I still struggle with the fact that I needed an epidural to make it through his 40 hour labor. I had to leave the birth center I love and be transferred to the hospital for his birth. I felt so defeated afterward, even though he was perfect, and fat and fine. I think I’ll be reminding myself of that verse whenever I think about it and feel defeated. Thank you.
On 24th Jan I had my 3rd child at home, after a 2.5 hour labour as well. When my waters broke I had a moment of complete terror, thinking “what was I doing, I can’t do this” But my partner encourgaged me and in the end I wouldn’t have time to get to the hospital anyway! I was so proud of myself for sticking to my plan to have a home birth. For some reason home births are uncommon in the UK. You are so lucky to have your blog where you can share your pride and joy, all I want to do is stop random strangers and say “Check me out, I just had a baby at home, and I LOVED it”!!!
I completely agree with the sentiment that every woman who gives birth – by any means possible – home, hospital, c-section or not – deserves a huge high five. Creating life is an amazing feat and bringing it out into the world for everyone to marvel at is a pretty big deal 🙂 Thanks for sharing your birth story, I’m sort of a sucker for them!
“…was born in our family room as Rowan took a nap upstairs.” wow! she woke up with a new baby sister, incredible : )
Girl, this was beautifully written. And it totally hit home deeper than you can imagine. I have birth to my daughter 15 months ago drug-free, in a tub, at a birth center. And while it was so amazing and empowering like you said….there was always a little something I felt that I couldn’t put words to. And you nailed it here. I felt embarrassed for how I handled it. Like I overreacted, was way too dramatic and loud. But truly, it’s ridiculous to feel that way! It’s nice to know there are other mothers who go through the very same emotions and thoughts. Congratulations!
The more I see birth pictures the more in awe I am of the whole process, and I’ve been there twice myself! Seeing new life come into the world is so beautiful! Thanks for sharing such intimate moments with us.
*Jump high five*
I had both my girls on an operating table and often feel tempted to wallow in self pity for never getting the chance to try but remember that He made each of our stories different and beautiful. Thanks for sharing yours. xoxo
Hello all the way from Greece,congrats for the new lovely addition to your family.I gave birth to a girl in a hospital 14 months ago and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done.So,in my eyes you are a true hero!!
Michelle is awesome, isn’t she?! I was there for Addy’s birth and it was so amazing- although Addy is about #30 in our family to be born at home. Congrats!!
Perhaps your feeling of being mentally unprepared was just shock of it happening so fast. I was in slow labour for a day all hypnobabied-up and I calmly said “ok time to go to the hospital” once I felt I was getting uncomfortable. All the sudden on the drive to the hospital it’s like a switch turned and I lost it. The pain was intense and within two hours of arriving at the hospital (we live 8 mins away) I delivered my son. Those last final hours I didn’t give a rats ass about anything but just holding on for dear life and coming out on the other side with a baby. So congrats to you!!!
Oh girl! You should feel like super woman!! I was a birthing coach for a friend and learned that moms who birth their children are crazy strong. I was amazed at my friend’s strength! I was so protective of her and her son for weeks…still pretty protective, but I don’t watch them like a hawk anymore. 😀
Beautiful story, Jen! Congratulations. I think it’s endemic to our gender to be hard on ourselves, so why would child birth be exempt from the scrutiny. I would love to labor at home but mine is a high risk pregnancy and I don’t want to take any chances of something going wrong. Congrats!
Isn’t it funny how critical we all are of ourselves? I was reading that post and looking at the pictures and just marveling at what a brave superwoman you are. Then I got to the part when you said you felt like you didn’t do well enough. To me, you did BEYOND well enough. It took me three births to realize that rush of pain and hormones just makes us feel crazy in some way or another. It was brave of you to share this and I hope you realize your feelings are shared by all mothers. You go, girl!
Thanks so much for sharing this beautiful story of yours.
I’m preparing for my first baby with a home birth in about 5 weeks and I definitely am wondering how I will handle it… your story helps me accept that their is no way of knowing, and no wrong way. This has been a big question in my mind so I truly feel comforted by your perspective. Thank you so very much!!!
Congratulations!!
My second labor was so similar! It was like, BOOM!, baby is coming! He was born at home too 🙂
Jen, as I read this at 40 weeks pregnant, preparing for a home birth, I have tears reading your honest words about how you felt about your birthing performance but how that was healed. I love this story.
And you deserve chocolate in any form for like, ever.
xo
cortnie
This is a wonderful story! P.S. *inheritance
You’re a super woman Jen! Absolutely wonderful.Thanks for sharing.
Hi, Jen!
This would be a super late comment, but I can’t hold myself to write something here.
I’m currently only 6 weeks pregnant but I feel awesome knowing that a little human growing inside my belly. I read so many stories about giving birth, but yours are soo beautiful. You are the other person (the first one of course my mum :D) that “telling” me, giving birth is not a scary thing. It’s really magical thing and those pain we have during the contractions, it’s nothing when the time we hold our little baby.
Thank you for sharing this, Jen. Sending loves to your family! <3
xoxo,
Jane