Are you guys ready for a brain dump? I’m not sure why, maybe it’s the endless hours on the road alone with my thoughts (marathon training does that to you), but I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I think it’s good timing with Thanksgiving being tomorrow though. I feel like I want to change a few things about myself and this blog. Maybe it won’t seem like much of a change on the outside but I’ve been working through a lot of stuff. We went to a Hillsong United concert a few weeks ago. I will be honest and say I had my reservations about going. I like their music a lot but it’s been a while since I’ve gone to an all out christian concert. Maybe it was the countless youth rallies and soulfests that I’ve been to, but over the years I had decided those just weren’t for me. I let the idea of being cool, guarded and “it’s too cheesy” harden my heart. However, we went and let me tell you it changed me. If you haven’t listened to Hillsong United before I challenge you to listen to a few of their live cds (or their new acoustic cd). There are a lot, I mean A LOT of cheesy christian bands out there. I feel like you can tell when they are on stage and they are just saying what they think they should say and sining what they think they should sing. “Amen” here, “praise jesus” there. It is a lot of fluff. I don’t like it. It makes me uncomfortable. Hillsong is NOT one of those bands. They are the real deal. I feel like everything they had to say was honest and from the heart. I went to the concert and I couldn’t help but feel the spirit in that arena. My heart was soft. I let myself feel vulnerable. I forgot the power of being surrounded by so many people singing with hands high to a God who loves unconditionally.
Now this post may make some of you uncomfortable and for that I am sorry. I know not everyone shares the same beliefs as me. I respect that. I hope you will respect me as well. But I’ve felt convicted over something lately. This blog that I’ve written on for over 7 years has a big whole in it when it comes to talking about my faith. I feel like I need to be more open. More honest. I am who I am because of my faith. It won’t be an over abundance but I’d like it to be a little more present in my posts. I’ve been really struggling lately with feeling whole in Christ. I let the everyday stand in the way. A LOT. I look for my self worth in feeling successful, accomplished and well, in just all the wrong things. Especially when it comes to this blog. There will always be someone better than you- better pictures, better content, better opportunities. It’s a hard world to live in when you constantly compare yourself to that. You will be left feeling like crap. Comparison really is the thief of joy. Joy is something I want my life to be full of. I want to live a life full of joy and thanksgiving. I truly feel like you can find true joy- the kind of happiness that has nothing to do with circumstances with being thankful. I have so much to be thankful for. How silly is it to go to bed feeling overwhelmed over not being able to find time to post some super awesome blog post, because you were busy giving your time and attention to your kids. I will be honest and say I do that a lot. I will always choose my kids but that doesn’t mean I am not left with a mind full of comparisons to blogs who seem to have it together better than I do. I want this place to be a place of joy not comparisions. I want to share what I feel lead to share and I want to share when I have time to share. When it doesn’t take away from my family or friends. The internet can be a big time suck… yes. i just said time suck. I get way to addicted to all outlets of social media. I don’t need to be tweeting every 2 seconds of the day. I want to be fully present with my kids. They are really only little for a short amount of time. I don’t want the kids to go to bed and then pull out my computer and work all night either. I want to be with Kev. A marriage doesn’t continue to work with out putting the time in. Besides I LOVE hanging out with him. Don’t get me wrong I love this blog too. I do. So very, very much. I love you readers as well. You have meant more to me than anything. I am just really trying to find the balance in this stage of life. 2 kids really changed things. I don’t need this blog to become a business. I am so happy that option is available for a lot of women out there to help provide income for their families. At this stage of life I have to accept that that is not the path I am suppose to go down right now. I do make some money from this blog and I will continue to work with companies that I see fit. But I need to be ok with saying no, with pulling back and finding my true self worth in something bigger than the blog world.
I am not quite sure how to end this post. I don’t have some life changing ending statement. I just wanted to share what I have been thinking about lately. In the end it doesn’t change much around here at jenloveskev. Some weeks I may blog a lot and some not so much. I hope that is ok. And I hope we can all really focus on being thankful. Well past thinking about being thankful just tomorrow. Let’s say we are thankful but really, really, really feel thankful on the inside. Let’s be happy for one and other. Let’s build each other up and share in each others triumphs instead of feeling jealous. Let’s be supportive and kind. Let’s not judge others circumstances and think we have them figured out. And in the true spirit of a Thanksgiving Day post here are 5 things I am thankful for this evening…
1. For a Savior full of grace and who’s mercies are new each day.
2. For Kev. I wish you guys could know him. He really is one in a million. I feel so blessed daily by him. The way he loves our girls- ooooh it just kills me.
3. For all of you. For all the love and support you guys have showed to us over the years. It never goes unnoticed.
4. For the friends in my life. God has brought some ladies into my life over the last few years that have been such an answer to prayer. I can’t stress enough how important they are to me.
5. and for the strawberry rhubarb pie (I couldn’t keep this post all serious) that I will eat all of tomorrow with no shame. Kev and I have to run 20 miles in the morning and I can’t wait to get back and eat everything. I.MEAN.EVERYTHING on the Thanksgiving table. Mmmmmmm
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone.